Seeking Control
Okay, so the original plan was to follow a schedule and post every alternate day. But as many of you have read already, I want to be practical but sometimes my impulse comes pounding through against all reason.
I was on a solitary walk around my colony, listening to music and observing whatever movement was happening around when I tripped over a speed bump. I wasn't hurt, just made aware of my footing. From there, I started thinking about control.
Most of us seek control in various spheres of our lives and with that control, we slowly start thinking that we can extend control over other spheres of our lives. We control our desires, our speech, our thoughts, our people and whatever comes in between. We control our food and alcohol intake, we control our weight, we control our power over others and what have you. But something as simple as walking on a road and tripping over a speed bump made me realize, what a bogus illusion we're all always under.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that we can't and shouldn't control certain parts of our lives. If it's a threat to me and I can extend control over it, I most probably will do that. If I'm drinking too much one night and the next morning I get sick, I will try to control how much I drink the next time.
But here's where I think a lot of us get it wrong. I can control my desire to drink, I can't extend that control over someone else. My father, who's now not alive anymore, we had terrible fights over his drinking. He would want more than what his health allowed and I tried my best to control his drinking, by whatever means necessary. Whether it was emotional blackmail, hiding his wallet, crying in front of him, whatever I needed to do, I did. But it was no good. He found a way and he almost always got what he wanted. He and I would speak during his sober state and I would ask him why he couldn't just stop. He always told I wouldn't understand and this was beyond his control. I never understood that and I could never accept that as a legitimate reason or justification for him to keep ruining himself. Now that he's gone, I don't understand that reason in parts still, but somewhere I have come to accept that all of it was beyond our control.
The tighter I hold on to the sand, the quicker it slips. The more I want to stretch a goodbye, the sooner it fades away into memory. The more I want to memorize my speech, the more I forget. The more I resist my urge to pee, the more urgently I have to go. (this example might be a bit facetious in the face of this conversation but it's in the same vein).
The things we can control, that benefit us and don't put anyone else in harm's way, we can control. I can control how much toxicity I allow in my relationships but I can't control the toxic elements that caused it in the first place. I can control how much I eat of the butter chicken on my plate but I can't control how delicious it still looks in the leftovers. I can control how much I loved them but I can't control how much they loved me back.
And that's okay.
I spent a lot of my teenage years trying to control my image, what people thought of me, what I was in public, how I behaved, everything. Trust me, it didn't last too long and made me lose my mind in the process. I gave up trying to control factors that were beyond me, and immediately felt...better. Granted I still had my rock-bottoms, my failures and it wasn't flowers and champagne from there. But I knew that whatever I could do, I did and the rest was up to factors outside my control.
I realize I probably do sound like a pseudo-Osho at this point and this isn't like an absolutely original idea but the only reason I feel like I needed to reiterate this is that this is a problem that consciously or unconsciously affects a lot of people around me. You can't control how other people will react to you, you can't control how much you think you've hurt a person and you certainly can't control people to work according to your liking. You can all but suggest. You can give your side in and hope for the best. And again, this doesn't mean you wash your hands off responsibilities and work and be married to your couch. But whatever extends beyond you as a person, you can only control so much of that.
I'd like you, the reader of this verbal oil spill, to try this with me. When you have the next conversation with someone, try and let loose of trying to steer the conversation in your control. Talk and respond the way you normally would without wanting to achieve something or wanting to prove a point. Be present and attentive to every moment, every gesture that you can observe in the person in front of you.
Time and warmth will envelop you in a bubble that will ease your stiff shoulders and furrowed brows and you will know that the ultimate control, is no control at all.
- Shreeparna
I was on a solitary walk around my colony, listening to music and observing whatever movement was happening around when I tripped over a speed bump. I wasn't hurt, just made aware of my footing. From there, I started thinking about control.
Most of us seek control in various spheres of our lives and with that control, we slowly start thinking that we can extend control over other spheres of our lives. We control our desires, our speech, our thoughts, our people and whatever comes in between. We control our food and alcohol intake, we control our weight, we control our power over others and what have you. But something as simple as walking on a road and tripping over a speed bump made me realize, what a bogus illusion we're all always under.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say that we can't and shouldn't control certain parts of our lives. If it's a threat to me and I can extend control over it, I most probably will do that. If I'm drinking too much one night and the next morning I get sick, I will try to control how much I drink the next time.
But here's where I think a lot of us get it wrong. I can control my desire to drink, I can't extend that control over someone else. My father, who's now not alive anymore, we had terrible fights over his drinking. He would want more than what his health allowed and I tried my best to control his drinking, by whatever means necessary. Whether it was emotional blackmail, hiding his wallet, crying in front of him, whatever I needed to do, I did. But it was no good. He found a way and he almost always got what he wanted. He and I would speak during his sober state and I would ask him why he couldn't just stop. He always told I wouldn't understand and this was beyond his control. I never understood that and I could never accept that as a legitimate reason or justification for him to keep ruining himself. Now that he's gone, I don't understand that reason in parts still, but somewhere I have come to accept that all of it was beyond our control.
The tighter I hold on to the sand, the quicker it slips. The more I want to stretch a goodbye, the sooner it fades away into memory. The more I want to memorize my speech, the more I forget. The more I resist my urge to pee, the more urgently I have to go. (this example might be a bit facetious in the face of this conversation but it's in the same vein).
The things we can control, that benefit us and don't put anyone else in harm's way, we can control. I can control how much toxicity I allow in my relationships but I can't control the toxic elements that caused it in the first place. I can control how much I eat of the butter chicken on my plate but I can't control how delicious it still looks in the leftovers. I can control how much I loved them but I can't control how much they loved me back.
And that's okay.
I spent a lot of my teenage years trying to control my image, what people thought of me, what I was in public, how I behaved, everything. Trust me, it didn't last too long and made me lose my mind in the process. I gave up trying to control factors that were beyond me, and immediately felt...better. Granted I still had my rock-bottoms, my failures and it wasn't flowers and champagne from there. But I knew that whatever I could do, I did and the rest was up to factors outside my control.
I realize I probably do sound like a pseudo-Osho at this point and this isn't like an absolutely original idea but the only reason I feel like I needed to reiterate this is that this is a problem that consciously or unconsciously affects a lot of people around me. You can't control how other people will react to you, you can't control how much you think you've hurt a person and you certainly can't control people to work according to your liking. You can all but suggest. You can give your side in and hope for the best. And again, this doesn't mean you wash your hands off responsibilities and work and be married to your couch. But whatever extends beyond you as a person, you can only control so much of that.
I'd like you, the reader of this verbal oil spill, to try this with me. When you have the next conversation with someone, try and let loose of trying to steer the conversation in your control. Talk and respond the way you normally would without wanting to achieve something or wanting to prove a point. Be present and attentive to every moment, every gesture that you can observe in the person in front of you.
Time and warmth will envelop you in a bubble that will ease your stiff shoulders and furrowed brows and you will know that the ultimate control, is no control at all.
- Shreeparna
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